Life's new lease

It's been a while 220 lbs lost and holding.

2010-09-30T20:47:00.001-07:00

I haven't updated this in a very long time, really it got to a point for quite a while there where all I was doing was simply posting "Still Losing... Still Losing.... Still Losing..."

I just wanted to update my progress here. As it stands, it's been a little over 4 years, I've lost 220 lbs total. I started at 430, and I'm currently 210. Life is pretty good. I can certainly say that Gastric Bypass was the best thing I could have ever done in my life, and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

To be honest, it's at the point now where I don't think about it all the time. It still probably comes up for me a few times a week, I spent the majority of my life overweight, it'd be strange if it didn't, but the fact that there are days at a time where I don't think about my weight? What a change.

I suppose that's not totally true. Eating is a lot different now. I'm always aware of my surgery at every meal, or any time I'm eating. I certainly think about it when it comes to things like taking ibuprofen or any NSAIDS. But it's not my weight I'm thinking of, it's how I need to do things.

That's probably what I'll be writing about as start posting again, the considerations that I have to think of years out. To be honest, as odd and amazing as it is for me to say, having lost the weight has become "old news", and that, is a wonderful thing!

Back on bandwagon!

2007-04-01T20:13:00.000-07:00

Just gonna do a quick weigh-in update here. Weighed myself today and I'm down to 309 lbs. Not too shabby! That's 121 lbs gone. I've been following the rules pretty closely and its paying off.

The only improvement that I'd really like to make right now is that I start working out on a daily basis. It's going to help me accelerate my weight loss even more right now, help me not only lose weight but become healthier, and of course once the inevitable time comes that diet alone isn't going to keep the pounds dropping. But even as is, I am definitely pleased that I'm dropping weight consistently once again.

A month of stalling...

2007-03-23T16:03:00.000-07:00

So it has been about a month since I have updated this thing. Probably because I'd gained a little bit, and it is never fun to talk about that sort of thing..

Basically, after my last entry, a few weeks went by and I'd dropped to about 315 lbs, which was kind of slow going compared to the results I was used to. Then, a week later, I weighed myself and was back up to 319 or 320... YIKES!!!!!! I was like "What the hell is that!?!" For the first time since my surgery I saw a gain on the scale. Not good... I'll be totally honest though, it wasn't a shocker. I was breaking every rule under the sun. I was drinking water with meals (and sometimes juice and milk, both calorie containing beverages that are strictly forbidden..). I was snacking, eating potato chips and cookies and chocolate and whatever else looked good. I was grazing, a.k.a. eating a full regular meal over the course of a few hours by taking a bite, letting it settle, taking another bite, repeat... There is probably more that I had been doing that was against the rules of the surgery. Basically if I wasn't supposed to be doing it, I was doing it... lol..

The truth of the matter is I had been doing that for the last month or two and still losing weight, so I started to think I was invincible. I started thinking that I could do whatever I wanted and still lose weight. Unfortunately they haven't come out with that diet yet. The basic rules of weight loss apply. Calories taken in minus calories burned through working out and calories burned by metabolism = weight gain or weight loss. It is incredibly simple to say, but incredibly difficult to live by (at least for those of us with a weight problem).

So seeing a gain on the scale scared the crap out of me. I have been following the rules almost all of the time. (the one I still have a problem following 100 % of the time is not drinking water with meals, and waiting 45 minutes after a meal to drink anything.) Also, since I'm in full confession mode, I tend to eat 1 or 2 small snacks during the day, like string cheese which runs around 50 calories, or a granola bar or something that is around 100 calories.

What is different than pre-surgery, is that it was VERY easy to get back on track. I just stopped doing those bad things. It was almost as if I had to put in effort to break the rules, and once I'd decided to quit those bad behaviors, it was just a matter of conciously deciding to not do those things any more. For the most part anyway. I think it basically came down to me thinking "I did NOT get a major surgery to gain weight back!" and then re-commiting myself to the process and the rules.

For right now what I am doing seems to be working. I'm losing again, and last I checked about a week or so ago I was back down to 316 lbs. I'll update here again soon with an official weigh in and some new pictures as soon as I get them.

100 + lbs!! Gone for good!

2007-02-10T09:57:00.000-08:00

So 100 lbs came and went, but don't think I didn't do my own little celebration dance!!! I weighed myself last week, and I have now lost a grand total of 108 lbs!! I'm down to 322lbs, from my alltime high of 430.

It is a fantastic feeling!

Basically, to put it in perspective, I've lost this, off of my body.

2006 - Goodbye and good riddens!!!!

2007-01-02T02:43:00.000-08:00

This has been one heck of a year. Wow. Seriously, just wow. There is something to be said for going through a rough year, and coming out at the other end of it in one piece.

I almost can’t believe that everything that has happened in my life, has been in the course of only 1 year. This time last year, I was still unsure if I was ready for the Gastric Bypass surgery, I wanted to do it “on my own” and by traditional methods, I didn’t want to FAIL, and I didn’t want to have to say that I’d taken an “easy way out” to achieve my weight loss. In retrospect now, if there actually WAS an “easy way out” to be had, I would definitely liked to have taken it, because let me tell you, this way (the surgery) was an emotional roller coaster, and required a hell of a lot of effort on my part to make it come together. With the results I have achieved so far, 90 lbs lost to date, I have to say, if this is failure, I can’t wait to see success!

2006 has been a rough year. Between my dad’s health problems, my surgery, a bunch of other stuff I'm not even thinking about anymore and the struggle of day to day life in the midst of it all, I honestly questioned my personal sanity quite a lot this year.

You know that saying “time flies when you’re having fun?” Well I must tell you, I wasn’t having much fun this last year, and the emotions that I experienced made 2006 feel like it’s own decade. And how do I feel now? It’s quite true what they say, that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. That is exactly how I feel now, stronger, more confident, more appreciative of life and everything it has to offer. I also feel very optimistic about the future, and I can’t wait to start experiencing things I have never been able to being morbidly obese.

As a result of the challenges I have faced, 2006 has been a year of growth. I believe that I have “matured” (I use the term loosely!! haha) more in the last year than I did in most of my 20’s. To be honest, at 28 years old, it is the first year I have truly felt like “an adult”. Strange to say, but up until lately, I’ve always felt like a big kid living in an adult world. I always thought it was a pretty good deal that I could act impulsively and not do very much to prepare for the future, and still get all the “privilege” that comes with adulthood. Don’t get me wrong, I “thought” about my future a ton, obsessed could be a better word. But I didn’t act in a way that was preparing for anything. All talk, no action, and a lot of self-destructive behavior.

Do I regret my ways? Not really. I made it through, and I have the rest of my life to get things going for myself, so what’s to regret? I’ve had a ton of fun in my 20’s, and wouldn’t change much of anything even if I could. But I am starting to recognize a lot of the “childish” behavior that makes life a little tougher. I’m starting to realize some of the practical things that can be done to prepare. And I’ve gotten realistic about what it is going to take to succeed and reach my dreams and goals.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not about to change who I am, at least not at my fundamental core. Being impulsive is still a very high priority for me, as is traveling and experiencing new things. The big difference is that I am going to have to adopt a much stronger “work hard, play hard” mentality. I’m going to have to sacrifice, and prioritize, 2 things that tend to drive me nuts! But there is a big world out there, and if I’m gonna experience the whole damn thing, I better get going on getting going!

So looking at the last year, and the last 10 years since I entered the adult world and began working on my adult life, it would be easy to get down on myself about “failing” at achieving my goals and dreams. That’s what I’d tell you if you asked me at the age of 17 what I would think about just getting started on being successful at the age of 28. Back then, I would have told you that I wanted to be a millionaire by the age of 25, and retire by the age of 30. Barring a lottery win, that’s not likely to happen. I haven’t given up that dream of being financially independent and “retiring” at a young age, the truth is just that I haven’t failed enough yet.

Lately, I have learned to accept that failure is the key to success. Every great individual in history failed, and failed a lot! If there was a secret to life, it would be that failing is just another word for learning, by experience. It’s driven into our brain that failure is bad, failure is bad, failure is bad! In school, what did you get for a grade if you didn’t pass? An F, for Fail! Yikes! Not an F! That’s not acceptable. A’s and B’s are good! Well let me tell you this, there are classes that I learned a dozen times more in that I got a C or a D, than the one’s I breezed through and got an A. Woodshop was a prime example. I got a C in woodshop. It pissed me off greatly at the time, because I was trying my ass off and just couldn’t get it right. My work looked like absolute crap! The wood wasn’t cut straight, the paint was applied horridly, and it frankly looked like something from the art’s and crafts department of the criminally insane.

But I learned more in that class than I ever did in classes where I got my easy A’s (like, Keyboarding.. I got to 30wpm in typing after keyboarding 1; keyboarding 2 and 3 were like a for credit study hall). What did that reinforce? That it was better to stick with what you are good at, because failing sucks. It didn’t feel right to me at the time, and I couldn’t explain why then, but I certainly can now. The verdict? Failure is GOOD!! Every time you fail is just another opportunity to learn!

My hopes for 2007 are two-fold. I want it to be a BETTER year than 2006, but I also want it to be a HARDER year. Yeah, you heard right. I WANT it to be harder than 2006, not in the exact ways of course, for one I pray for good health for all of those who are close to me, those aren't the kinds of chalanges I like to face. But I do want to be challenged in ways I haven’t been challenged before, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Now there is something I would have never thought I’d say, while going through everything I went through preparing for the surgery, all I wanted was to just relax, to just sit back and take life day by day, and for 6 weeks after the surgery I did just that! I didn’t do a damn thing but sit back and recover, and it was GREAT! And at the same time, while it was necessary to recover and get used to my new way of life, I didn’t grow during that time. Then one day, I decided, I’m gonna buy a house! So I went out and started that process, and closed on it at the end of November. The month of December? LAZY! I haven’t done much of anything this month. And you know what? I’m missing that sense of accomplishment that you get from accomplishing BIG things. So what’s next? Who knows, but it’s gotta be big!

Merry Christmas!

2006-12-25T06:20:00.000-08:00

Here is wishing everyone a fantastic, super uber Merry Christmas!!

What happened to the 350s?? I never got to say goodbye!!

2006-12-21T02:53:00.000-08:00

I hadn't weighed myself in over 3 weeks now, and finally got around to it yesterday.

To my shock, the evil, evil 350 came and went without me ever getting the chance to wave it farewell. To be honest though, the 350's are damn lucky, because I might have been less than pleasant with my choice of words! Something along the lines of "GET THE F*&% OUT, AND IF I EVER SEE YOUR F*#&(^% FACE AGAIN ...", very unpleasant indeed...

See, the thing is, the 350's and I have a long, storied history. We first met in the summer of 1994. I was 16 years old, and had to get my yearly physical for my yearly trip to scout camp. I will never, ever, forget that first meeting. I stepped on the scale at the doctor's office, one of those manual scales where you agonizingly slide the little tab, millimeter by millimeter, pound by pound, until the damn thing dips down.

The year before I was around 330 or so, they started there.. slide a little, 330's, no dip, slide a little more, 340's, no dip.. keep sliding, no dip... uh oh, almost out of scale, it better dip soon.........huh... guess the scale must be broken today, because we have reached the end and it isn't dipping, quite odd indeed... "Better get that scale guy in because the thing is OBVIOUSLY broken." Unfortunately, scale guy was there just yesterday, and no, the scale is not broken, I had reached "Greater-Than-land".

Now "Greater-Than-Land" sounds like a real swell place, with water slides and roller coasters and dancing girls and all the hot fudge sundae's and onion rings you can eat. Unfortunately only the last part of that was true, and they lined the path all the way to the gates and beyond.

For those that have never experienced this, it may quite possibly be one of the most mortifying and embarrassing experiences ever to see the doctor fill in your weight with a greater than symbol for the first time. (Seriously, my physical said 'Weight: >350' ) I will never forget that day.

Well, me and the 350's did battle for a while after this, I'd beat it, it would fight it's way back, eventually I lost the battle and the 350's secured their place behind the even stronger and more stubborn 360's, 370's, and The evil, wretched 380's.

It wasn't until early 1999 that 350 and I did battle once again. This time I came with a friend, Dr. Atkins! With his gang of hooligans all knocked out one by one, I landed a devastating blow on 350 and went on to beat down another 80 of his teammates, including 320 the fierce, 300 the dreaded, right up to my arch nemesis, 270, who stared me in the eye and dared me to challenge him.

Unfortunately for me, Dr. Atkins put his tail between his legs and went running and screaming like the coward he was. I yelled for him to come back, but he just kept on running. He'd never taught me to fight my own nutritional battles, and yelled at the top of his lungs that "exercise is for pussies", and there I was, left at the mercy of all I had beaten before. Within months the angry mobs had knocked me back into oblivion, this time 380-395 joined the battle, later, their friends 395-430 came in and walloped me as well.

But wait! Along comes a secret weapon, the Gastric Bypass surgery, and 7 years later, 350, there can only be ONE!!! (queue Queen's Highlander Theme: Here we are... we're the princes of the universe........)

This weeks weight: 346!!!

Get ready 270! I'm coming for you and all your little friends!!!!!!!

Week 10 weight loss update

2006-11-21T11:45:00.000-08:00

Just wanted to post a quick weight loss update, I weighed myself last night out at the Calhoun Square GNC store while en-route to Famous Daves BBQ in uptown to see some live local blues. Lets just say the weigh in did NOT give me the blues by any means.

I'm down to 362, a total weight loss of 68 lbs since I started this whole Gastric Bypass thing!! By my estimate, my next update is gonna be TOTALLY kickass(I saw the Tenacious D movie tonight, GREAT flick!!! Totally gonna be a cult classic). So, anywho, back on track. Why will my next update be so kickass?

Because I will hopefully be at 359 or lower!! Why is that so great? Because I haven't been at that weight in almost 7 years! I'm definitely gonna have to get to the gym this week to seal the deal and hit that goal!

My first "WOW" moment..

2006-11-15T00:39:00.000-08:00

I would like to tell you all about my first "wow" moment since the surgery. It was the most amazing experience since my Gastric Bypass thus far, and the crazy thing is, it was not about me at all.

I was at the gym last Friday, doing my typical exercise routine of swimming laps in the pool. (I've moved up to 15 laps, by the way, so go me! :) After I was done, I went to go relax in the hot tub for a while. There was another guy there who had weight issues similar to my own. He also had been having a hell of a time with his feet and knees, something I know a lot of us who are overweight have experienced. We started talking a bit, and he mentioned how he'd been thinking about doing that "stomach surgery thing". I smiled and showed him my 5 little scars, proudly proclaiming that I'd had the surgery just 8 weeks prior.

I went on to tell him all about the surgery, and the process of getting approved by insurance and everyone else. It turns out his primary doctor had been telling him that he was NOT a candidate for the surgery. Unfortunately, to me, it sounded like his doctor was simply not informed about the surgery, and was not even considering his condition and obvious qualification for at least being considered for the surgery. His BMI is similar to what mine was at my highest weight, and he has other co-morbidities that require him to lose weight as soon as humanly possible. I'm no doctor, but I know for darn sure that he at least deserves the chance to be evaluated by a bariatric specialist.

My advice to him was to push his doctor into giving him a referral, or if his doctor remained stubborn, to find a new damned doctor. I also had a ton of other information for him, right down to what his medical insurance is going to require of him. (he has Medica, and I have a good friend with Medica who has been looking into the process as well..)

The reason this was so amazing is that for the first time ever, I realized how great it is that I am now on the other side of the fence, on the way to living a healthy life, and how I can serve to help others in reaching their own health goals. By giving him all the information, I was empowering him to get the proper medical attention that he needs. And that felt awesome. To know that I may impact somebody else's life in such a positive way, well I gotta tell you, it feels AMAZING! He was so appreciative that I would take the time to share my experience and knowledge with him, and I was glad to do it! Just like others have inspired me, I look forward to helping inspire those around me a lot more in the future!

I defintely would like to extend an open invitation to anyone who is curious about the surgery to contact me. I'm an open book, and love to help.

Weight loss update!

2006-11-09T05:16:00.000-08:00

Okay, so it has been 8 weeks and some change since my Gastric Bypass surgery, and my running total is .......

Drumroll please . . . . . . .

61 lbs lost forever!!! Woot!

I'm currently weighing in at 369 lbs, less than I have been in a few years for sure!

I've decided I want to start losing weight just a touch faster, more in the 5-6 lbs a week range if I can, so I've started going to the gym and have been swimming every day this week so far! I must say, I'm allready feeling a big difference in my energy levels. I'm also feeling a little bit more hungry too as a result, but I'm having a fairly easy time not giving in to eating in between meals.

I gotta tell ya though, 10 more lbs and I am going to hit a HUGE milestone. I'll give you a little bit of history to explain:

When I was 20 going on 21, I was able to briefly lose over 100 lbs. It was the first time that I'd ever achieved any significant weight loss. The downside? I did it on the Atkins diet, and like SOOO many others that I've talked to, as soon as I got off of that wretched diet, I ballooned back up in half the time I'd lost the weight. I'm the first to admit that it was due to my own binge eating, but the root cause was that the Atkins diet did nothing to change the way I ate or my lifestyle.

Now let me paint a picture of the next 6 or 7 years:
I eventually hit a plateau of about 380-386, bouncing up and down. I continued to go on "diets" for anywhere for 2 weeks to a month, continuously cycling between dieting and "not dieting", which generally meant eating whatever bad sh*t I felt like. I probably did this 30 - 40 times, and the most success I'd ever had was about 20 lbs. Only 1 time did I get down to 360, and I have no idea why, but I saw that and decided to quit my diet. In the entire time, I never hit 359. Then in my last year or so before surgery I took on an extra 50 lbs or so, just for good measure! :)

So freakin' A! 359, here I come!!!!

Just call me "The Chilli Guy"

2006-11-06T16:20:00.000-08:00

Yesterday after work at arount 11:30pm, I stopped at Wendy's to get a small chilli with sour cream, cheese, and a couple packets of their hot sauce. This has become a bit of a ritual for me lately around that time. (though it is usually before work, as I usually work overnights).

I pull up to the drive thru window, and they guy says "Hey, there's the Chilli guy, 2 packets of hot sauce are in the bag!". Am I really getting that predictable?? lol.

The thing is, Wendy's chilli is one of the things that goes down quite well for me. Chicken is okay, but I still have some problems with it, and fish is just fine too, I just don't take the time to prepare it very often. To be honest, I don't take the time to prepare much of anything very often. So the answer is, yes, I'm getting that predictable. But, for the time, I am okay with that. I enjoy the chilli, it fills me up, and I don't get sick from it. I guess it is what you could call a "comfort food" for me.

The concept of a "comfort food" is brand new to me. Before the surgery, I was quite adventurous with food, always trying to expand the variety of foods I ate. Of course, with the expanded variety came an expanded Josh, unfortunately. But after surgery, I have noticed that I have settled with a few foods that I know are my "safe" foods. Wendy's chilli, KFC mashed potato's, yogurt, eggs, and peanut butter toast are my new staples. I occasionally go outside of that box and get fish or chicken strips, but it hasn't been very often lately. Occasionally I try to eat some other foods, and when it doesn't go all that well, I retreat right back into my safe zone.

I guess I am hoping as time passes it will get easier to try new foods, other's who have had the surgery assure me it will. It amazes me though that until that point, I am perfectly content eating almost nothing but the foods listed above. I'll admit, the fact I have lost 55 + lbs from my highest helps keep me content. And knowing that I will be losing a heck of a lot more doesn't hurt. I haven't weighed in for a week or two, so I'm curious where I'm currently at. If I had to guess, I would say I'm down to about the 370 mark, but I'm going to make sure and weigh in tonight or tomorrow, so I'll have an official report by tomorrow.

No threesomes allowed in the airplane bathrooms!

2006-10-31T02:26:00.001-08:00

So on the flight back from Reno, the pilot said the strangest thing. He was blabbering on like pilots do with their typical pre-flight chatter, and all of a sudden I hear " ... Please keep in mind the onboard restrooms can not accommodate more than 2 people ..." W T F???

What goofs with me is this:
A) I thought they were only meant to accommodate one... Now it may have had something to do with the fact I was flying to Denver, thus the "mile high club" in the "mile high city", but still, didn't know they encouraged 2 at a time in those things..

B) Like a warning on a fan that says not to lick the fan blade or detach the electrical cord and stick it on your balls, at some point in time, somebody has done this exact activity to warrant it being placed on a warning. Is there a new trend in the works, Mile-high threesomes?

In other news, while out in Reno I went to go see Darren Romeo, the protege of Siegfried & Roy. It was a really great show, very much in the spirit of a Las Vegas show, which was exactly what I was looking for. I was actually kind of surprised to find a show like that in Reno, typically there isn't a heck of a lot for entertainment there, at least compared to Las Vegas.

This guy definitely is going to be the "next big thing" in Vegas. I'm sure it doesn't hurt he has the Siegfried & Roy's stamp of approval/sponsorship. He's already had a show at the Mirage in Vegas, and performed in a headlining show in Branson, Mo. And Reno, so he certainly isn't slumming it!

As for the show, it is called "Darren Romeo: The Voice of Magic". Basically it is a combination of a musical and a magic show. He did some really impressive things on stage, and I can't help but look at what he is doing and think to myself "okay, so I know this is a trick, smoke and mirrors and the such, but HOW THE HELL does he do it?" Of course that is the whole point, I'm sure.

Anywho, that's it from me today. I will be weighing in either tomorrow or the next day, so I'll post an update on my weight loss progress in the next couple days.

Bored at the airport...

2006-10-28T06:59:00.000-07:00

So here I am, goin' to Reno for the weekend to see some friends. I lived in Carson City, NV for about 6 months, but have ony been back once since I moved back to Minnesota, so it will be cool to see some of the people I haven't seen in a couple years.

Right now I am sitting in the Denver airport, I have about a hour and a half layover, so I figured what a great chance to write a little in my blog! :) I'm using one of those little kiosk computer's they have at the airport.

So, the coolest thing happened on the first flight today! I was able to buckle my seatbelt without an extension!!!! So kick ass! That probably doesn't sound like a huge deal to those who have never had to ask for an extension, but let me tell you, it is a wonderful milestone! While I have never been ashamed of who I am, I woud be lieing if I said that I was not fairly embarrassed each and every time I have asked for a seat belt extension. So it was pretty sweet for the firt time in years to click that sucker just like anyone else! Go me! haha...

I was still relieved that they were able to arange for an aisle seat without somebody next to me on both flights today... I have lost a lot of weight(55 lbs total as of my doctor appointment yesterday), but not quite enough yet to sit comfortably on an airplane without being a tad self conscious about crowding the person sitting next to me. Just ask my friends Jack and Becca about our last trip to San Francisco, with me at my highest weight ever!! :)

I also want to share one more thought today. I have been in an incredibly great mood today, one of those moods where you are overflowing with joy and want to share that with everyone you meet. It makes sense, I am doing my favorite activity in the universe, traveling!!! So I have been wishing most people I meet today a wonderful day, and I think it comes through in my tone that I really mean it. I tell you what, it's pretty cool to see an obviously grumpy security agent give a big smile and wish you a genuinely great day back. So my challange today is for everyone to go out an perform a random act of kindness or two when the spirit moves you. I genuinely feel that the positivity you are exerting draws positive energy out of others and it comes right back to you!

So, to everyone out there reading my blog, have a freaking sweet day!! :)

101 things in 1001 days, a very cool concept...

2006-10-25T02:25:00.000-07:00

So I was browsing around on the internet as I do from time to time, and found something very interesting that I may like to do at some point. It's called 101 things in 1001 days. Apparently there are quite a few people doing this, but here is the link to the guy who started it.
http://www.triplux.com/1001/

Also, it is a bit hard to find, but here is a link on his page that has many other people's 101 in 1001's. Very cool stuff. It is interesting enough to just read other people's lists.

http://www.triplux.com/1001/otherlists.asp

So far, I only have one item, which seems to be incredibly popular for people's first item, and quite generic.

1. Create a list of 101 things to do in 1001 days.

It is a whole lot more complex for me to do than it sounds. I take this kind of thing fairly seriously, and I want to have a super kick ass list. I'm also going to challenge myself, which means that I likely won't complete the list, but I will have a hell of a time trying!

When I do finally complete the list, I'll most likely start a separate blog for it. I really do want this blog to be dedicated to my journey through Gastric Bypass. I think that means that as time goes on, I'm going to have less and less to say, since it will eventually just become my new way of life. I guess I will cross that bridge when I get there.

I also would like to encourage everyone who reads this to consider doing their own 101 in 1001, would be cool to compare.

Reflection on a year gone by...

2006-10-24T00:28:00.000-07:00

I had quite an interesting realization tonight. I realized after asking my friend where the Lifetime Fitness in Plymouth was at, that I have not gone to the gym in over a year. The kicker? I have been paying the monthly dues that entire time.

We aren't talking Bally's sweet deal of $10 a month or whatever some of those people who have been Bally's members for forever and a day get, I have been paying over $50 a month for a membership at Lifetime Fitness.

In all honesty, I didn't even realize it had been that long. I had a feeling it had been 5 or 6 months, but after asking where the Lifetime Fitness was in Plymouth, it dawned on me that I have lived in this apartment 1 full year at the end of the month, and I had no idea where the Lifetime in my city was. Holy crap. Had I really spent over $600 on a membership to a club without even using it during that time?? Sadly, the answer was yes.

It really affected me too. It made me reflect on this last year, and how much I put myself into this "autopilot" mode. It made me think about all the other things I have not been doing in this last year, and how much I just let life pass me by.

Certainly much of it can be justified by the fact that in the latter half of the year I was taking initiative to get the Gastric Bypass surgery. But not entirely. It is not the first time I have gone into hibernation, but I do hope it is one of the last. A year is FAR too valuable to throw away. I do have to point out that I have had some incredible experiences in the last year when I did get out there to live life, but not nearly as much as the wasted time.

To my credit though, I went to the gym and swam 10 laps tonight! WOOT! I also spent my fair share of time relaxing in the hot tub! :)

I gotta say, it felt great. It felt like I was living again. Like I said in yesterday's post, I wasn't horribly thrilled to come back to work, but now that I'm back, there is a part of me that is happy to be back. I think that returning to work was like returning to life. Just last week I had 2 full days where I went the entire time without pants. (Yes, that also meant I didn't leave the house... And yes, I wore boxers... LOL). Coming back to work definitely serves as a reminder to leave the house. It is a motivating factor for me. I think it boils down to the fact that if I am going to work 40 hours per week, I'll be damned if I'm going to waste my free time. Funny how when I had nothing but free time, I was content to waste it all.

I have a million things that I want to accomplish in this next year and beyond. I think it is important that I remind myself not to become complacent, and to keep on reaching for the stars!

Josh? Is that guy still alive??

2006-10-23T01:53:00.000-07:00

Yes, yes I am... I've been a bad blogger, over one month has passed since my last entry. I had some really incredible plans on sharing a day by day account of my post-op experience after Gastric Bypass surgery. The only excuse I can muster up is that this has been a really huge change in my life, and to be honest, I simply wanted the time that I was off work to myself to just think and adjust to my new way of life. But I am back, and I really hope to start doing this blog thing right.

It probably has a lot to do with being back at work and getting back in the groove of life in the real world (My first day back was today). I had 6 weeks off of work, and I have this piece of advice:
TAKE AS MUCH TIME OFF AS THEY WILL ALLOW!!!!

It is not that this has been a bad experience so far, because it hasn't, I'll detail my experience the last 6 weeks the best that I can in a blog following this one. My reason is that this is a life altering surgery, for the good, the bad, and the ugly, it will change your life. You'll have to gimme a year or two to give you the full details, but in just 6 weeks I have already begun to realize just how much of a change this is.

For one, I don't eat or drink like I used to. "Well no shit sherlock", I'm sure most of you are saying. But let me explain. After years of eating and drinking for recreation, all of a sudden things are vastly different. I "knew" they were going to be, logically anyway, but its tough to truly be prepared for how that is going to feel. I'm not going to lie or sugar coat it, there are times my new stomach frustrates me a bit. I want to go out and splurge a little or eat just for fun. There are times where I know for a fact if this were a traditional diet, that I'd be letting loose the next chance I got and getting 3 servings of pasta at the Olive Garden's bottomless bowl. <-- And that, is why I am 100% positive that this was the best decision I ever made in life. I feel that the fact I still experience these feelings of weakness is proof that I may have never lost the weight through "traditional" means. I have too much of a tendency to sabotage myself, and the Gastric Bypass is a tool that will help me to avoid that kind of self-sabotage.

In addition to not eating as much as I used to, I'm also not eating the same way I used to. I now have to chew everything I eat a million times (okay, so 30-40, but it seems like a million, especially at first). I'm just now getting used to this. It's not a big deal any more, but at first it was definitely a challenge to remember to chew everything WAY more than I did before. Of course my body reminded me loud and clear when I didn't chew right or ate too fast through a healthy dose of stomach pain or nausea. (or when I still don't at times ... It's funny how every once in a while it is like I forget that I ever had the surgery and just chow down...)

I also am a tad bit bored with the variety of foods that I'm eating. It is still quite limited, and I'm impatient as hell! (after all, my first words out of surgery were "Am I skinny yet?" haha )

That is all in addition to all of the stuff that flat out prevented me from working, which of course varies from person to person, such as stomach pain, the usage of pain medication (I was using the pain meds for about 3-4 weeks..), tiredness throughout the day, and so on.

But with all that said, I can't stress enough that I would do this a million times over. I no longer worry every day how I am going to change my life and become healthy. Instead, my mind is clear to focus on other aspects of my personal success. The biggest development being that I am buying my first house!! (I have an offer submitted, crossing my fingers that it pans out because I already have a ton of plans for the new house. Hmm... Sounds like another possible blog I'll be writing, the joy's of first time home ownership.)

Oh, yeah, and I forgot to mention, I've lost about 25-30 lbs since surgery. (I'm not certain, I haven't weighed myself in the last week and a half or so..) With the 20 lbs I lost pre surgery, I am down about 45-50 lbs total. I'm definitely anxious to tack another 100 lbs onto that weight loss ASAP!! (what can I say, I'm horribly impatient!!)

So yeah, like I say, give me a year to give an official "State of the Josh" report, but right now, things are definitely looking pretty great!

**
P.S. Does anyone else find it ironic that the spell check on Blogger.com does not recognize the word's blog or blogger??

Gastric Bypass: Still the best decision I ever made..

2006-09-21T02:41:00.000-07:00

I was sitting here, reading a magazine, and something hit me hard. I am in a process of changing, and it is awesome! In the coming months and years, I am going to be able to focus more attention on myself than I have in the past. I'm going to be able to go shopping for cloths at regular stores, I'm going to be able to go out and have a good time and not be consumed with my weight. I've known that is going to be the case, but I think tonight was the first that I've felt it.

It comes at a good time too. I've been a tiny bit down about not being able to eat or drink(alcohol) like I used to be able to. Nothing major, but it has been a little bit disappointing that I haven't been able to partake in going out to eat or drinking a few beers while out with friends. It is what I got used to as my "fun" on weekends, and now I don't have that, and at the same time I haven't seen a whole lot of the rewards of the surgery yet. (I know, it has been a week and a half, what the hell am I expecting. But I've always been an impatient person..)

It's the classic problem with any diet. You're missing out on your previous indulgences and not yet reaping the rewards, and the previous indulgences are always closer than the rewards of diet and exercise. Always, unless you've had Gastric Bypass surgery. Even if I wanted, there ain't a damn thing I could do to undo my surgery last week. And I sure as hell don't want that anyway. But it is difficult to have a choice like that taken away. It doesn't really seem fair. I can honestly say with 100% certainty that if this surgery and the pre-surgery liquid diet were any other diet that I've ever gone through, it would have been filtered right under all the other failed attempts I have ever made.

And that is where I feel this surgery will succeed where other tools have failed. By the time I do have the option to sabotage myself, and that day does come for all who have had the surgery, I believe I will have experienced enough of the reward from the surgery to not even be tempted to screw it up with food.

Tonight's thought was a simple one, regarding my future plans in updating my wardrobe, but it was exciting in that it was the first time I really felt deep inside the changes that are heading my way, and how I am going to be able to replace my previous bad habits with positive actions.
It made me realize that the world is at my fingertips, or at least it will be soon!

Adventures in eating, post-Gastric Bypass..

2006-09-20T22:08:00.000-07:00

It is a week an a half later, a full 10 days since I had my Gastric Bypass surgery, and I gotta say, it has been a piece of cake, well, at least compared to what I was expecting from the first month. As far as issues go, I'm still experiencing all the normal issues, like some stomach pain, and as a result still taking the pain meds, though after the first few days I began to DRASTICALLY reduce those. And I still get a bit tired during the day sometimes. Nothing out of the ordinary from what I can tell of other's experiences.

I'd say my biggest challenge has been learning how to eat with my new stomach. That has been an interesting process. I started last week(yes, I was a little naughty introducing some solids a few days before recommended.) Not much mind you, we're talking a few bites per "meal". The first attempt was about 3 half bites of mashed potatoes from KFC. That was easy enough. The second attempt was some cottage cheese. Yikes. That one didn't go so well. That was my first lesson in "Chewing my food to match my new stomach".

The only way I can describe it is that each curd of cottage cheese felt like a grenade going off in my stomach after I swallowed the first couple bites. I mean, I'd never really given much thought to chewing cottage cheese. Maybe one or two chews and then a swallow, its already at such a consistency that chewing seems unnecessary. Not for somebody who just had Gastric Bypass 5 days ago. According to my friend who had it 3 years ago, not for somebody who had Gastric Bypass, period, end of story, "get used to the new chewing regiment" was his advice to me. I must admit, my second encounter with cottage cheese was much more tolerable.

I'm still struggling with eating though. I seem to have the chewing down, but I haven't quite gotten the concept of slowing my eating down. I take a bite, and it is like I feel because I put in the effort to chew 25-30 times, that I can immediately take the next bite right after I've swallowed. Nope. And I pay, trust me. The stomach definitely hurts when I don't adjust my speed of eating. The same as it does if I don't chew right.

I'm certain that as I go, it will become second nature, but right now, it is still a challenge at every meal, and unfortunately I gotta say, it has deterred me from trying to eat 3 meals a day, it has been more like 2, and I don't think that is very healthy. I have to start working on that.

Other than the above mentioned problems with eating, I've been following all the rules. Well, okay, one more slight confession and that is it. When I've made mistakes with not chewing right or eating too fast, I tend to get up and get a glass of water to drink to ease the discomfort. That is a big no no too according to the rules, I'm supposed to wait 45 minutes to drink anything after eating. But, it's not causing me to eat any more, so I don't know how to feel about that. I know the right answer is to get that under control and not drink with meals, AT LEAST not this soon in the process. It's way too soon to be breaking rules.

So yeah, otherwise, everything else has been fine. Tonight I ventured onto a half slice of peanut butter toast! Was pretty good, though I ate it like I have always eaten toast... fast. And, I paid with about 5 minutes of stomach discomfort. I'm getting there though!

Week 1 weigh in.

2006-09-18T18:02:00.000-07:00

So, I weighed myself today, and my official week 1 weigh in after the Gastric Bypass surgery came in at a 10 pound loss. Good enough for me! :) I have to say, I was kind of hoping for something a bit more drastic from what I have heard from some others (some have reported 20-30 pounds in the first week. Secretly I was hoping for that..)

But, one thing my nutritionist said was that since I lost 20 lbs in the 2 weeks before surgery, I really lost 20 of the "easy" pounds, meaning all of that excess water weight that comes with the first week(s) of any diet. So, according to that logic, that 10 lbs was all fat!

So hey, I'll take it! That brings the running total to 30 pounds off for good! I must say, I was a bit irritated, because the scale was at 400.9 pounds. Why not one pound less so I could say goodbye to 400 pounds forever?? I think the weight loss gods are trying to irritate me! :) Ah well, next week will be goodbye to 400!

Surgery is done and I'm feeling great!

2006-09-13T15:01:00.000-07:00

I had my Gastric Bypass surgery on Monday, and I am feeling awesome! I have the typical post-op pain that comes with it, which doesn't feel the best, and I get quite tired all of a sudden sometimes, but from everything I have read and the doctor's and nurses have told me, that is all completely normal.

I can allready say this with a ton of confidence, this was the best decision I hae ever made!

Pre-op happy moment!!

2006-09-05T15:49:00.000-07:00

I went to the doctor today for my Pre-Gastric Bypass physical, and I have lost 12 lbs since my checkup last month!!!!

DAMN THAT FEELS GOOD TO SAY!!! I'm 2 days into my second week on the liquid diet, and I have to admit, after about 3 or 4 days it has gotten a lot easier.

Yes, it still sucks, I'm not going to lie. And yes, I still cringe every time I see a commercial that has solid food or pass a restraunt. BUT ... 12lbs off is a freaking awesome feeling!!!!!!!!!! What is even better is knowing that I am not going to sabotage myself in 2 weeks and gain 14lbs back. 12 lbs GONE GONE GONE!!!

(okay, I'm a little too excited about 12lbs, but damn it feels good to be proud of something again!!! )

Just 6 more days!!!! I am getting so excited!

Losing my mind...

2006-09-02T21:49:00.000-07:00

Ugh. I feel like I'm going crazy lately. My Gastric Bypass surgery is just 9 days away, and I have to be honest, it is really messing with my head. I've been a little overly emotional lately, and my anxiety has been through the roof.

I'm told by a friend who has had the surgery, as well as others who have gone through this, that it is normal, but I gotta admit, nothing feels normal about how I'm feeling lately.

It is ranging from frightened that things are not going to go well, or way on the other side that things are going to fall through, to feeling sorry for myself and wondering if anyone cares about what I'm going through.

When I step back and stop being so "Emo" about this whole thing, the answer is extremely clear; OF COURSE PEOPLE CARE YOU RETARD!!!!!

I have a ton of caring friends and family who have gone out of their way many times over to let me know how much they care, and how happy they are for me, and that they are there to help me through this.

For them, I am really thankful! Now I just need the next 9 days to fly by!!

Time to live again!

2006-08-25T04:25:00.000-07:00

In the last few days, I have been experiencing the most amazing thing once again. I'm out there doing things like searching for activities, and catching up with people I haven't talked to in a while. I'm starting to anticipate the future again, dreaming about all of the possibilites, and I have not been doing that for a very long time with any regularity.

After my Gastric Bypass, IT'S ON! And I'm gonna push it harder than ever before, I have a good 3 or 4 years of living to make up here!!!! I'm practically to a countdown level here, just 17 more days!!

I can't begin to explain how I feel. This anticipation of not only being able to live life again, but to be able to live it differently than I ever have before, it's like a dream!

Anxiety Dreams

2006-08-24T13:27:00.000-07:00

This happens to me way more than I'd like. I wake up after 3 or 4 hours of sleep, feeling all messed up, because of some anxiety filled dream I was having. It happens a lot when I am under a lot of stress, which lately, is just plain a lot!

Today was a dream that I'd lost my job. I went through all the emotions in the dream one might go through losing their job 2 weeks before
Gastric Bypass surgery. I woke up and I found that I was still trying to figure out how I would be able to get through everything without a job, and wondering if my cobra benefits would cover everything, and if unemployment would be enough... Even though I knew it was a dream, I couldn't shake the stress and anxiety it caused. So, as I've done in the past, I got up and played around on the computer.

I went over to one of my newest favorite sites, the Thinner Times Gastric Bypass forum, and ironically enough saw a post from somebody else having the same sort of problem with these sorts of dreams. Interesting how a shared experience somehow makes you feel a little better about a situation.

And now, I'm here. I so can't wait for my surgery, this waiting stuff is getting old! :)

A moment of truth!

2006-08-23T11:24:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here today, watching Dane Cook's Tourgasm on HBO. I really enjoy the show, because it shows 4 comics at the top of their game, working their ASS off, on a 30 day straight tour. It's blood, sweat, and tears, and that somehow appeals to me. I have no interest in becoming a comedian, but I admire anyone who strives to be the best at what they do.

It's something I remember doing at one point in my life, but not lately. There was a time in my life where I was working a full time, 45+ hour per week job, a part time 12 hour per day Saturday and Sunday job, and I was going to College full time, 20 hours per week. And I still went out on Friday night until 1am. That was intensity. That, to me, was ideal. I reflect on that time as one of the most amazing, proudest times of my life. It was a time of life where I felt unstopable!

Now? Present day? I feel I'm struggling to just keep my head above water. I am struggling to even perform well at work doing a typical 40 hour per week job. And going out 3 nights a week? Forget about it! I was a groomsman in one of my best friend's wedding a month ago, and sprained my ankle from all the standing and walking that I had to do. (The horrid tuxedo shoes had a bit to do with it as well). But I think about that. One night of being on my feet and it put me out of commission for 3 weeks. It still hurts a little bit even now.

What am I trying to get at here? Well, while watching Dane Cook, I see them going out to a all you can eat crab dinner, and for a brief moment I get caught up in the fact that I will never again participate in "All you can eat". I think about how much I enjoy the over endulgance of eating until you're ready to explode. And for an even briefer moment, I experience that old, familiar defiance against the surgery that kept me from getting it all these years. That "I'm better than that surgery" feeling. The feeling that I want my Cake and eat it too, then eat a big steak and lobster dinner with a double order of mashed potatoes. I think to myself for a half second too long that I still have a choice. I still have the option of backing out and doing this weight loss thing on my own.

And then it hits me once again like a ton of bricks! This surgery is going to save my F*CKING life!! This surgery is going to restore my previous driven and motivated self. It is going to release me from this prison of FAT! Once I get rid of this bastard, life sucking parasite, affectionately known as morbid obesity, I will be unstopable in life once again!

In fact, I a pretty sure that this surgery is going to present opportunities to me that I have never experienced at any point in my life before! And I'm tempted by what, an all you can eat crab dinner?? I'm tempted to throw away a wide open future for a large amount of shellfish?? Shhhhhhhhhiiiitttt.... anyone who dares tell me this afliction of obesity isn't a major addiction, is a fool. Anyone who doubts the struggle that we, the morbidly obese face, should walk just one day in our shoes! I tell you one thing, their feet will hurt for starters!

Anyway, that was my moment of truth. I felt deep in my soul that everything about this is right! After 28 years of over indulging in food, I am ready to indulge in the rest of life I've been missing out on. I am making a pact with myself right now that next year, I am going to take a week and go on one of the most amazing, physical vacations ever. Someplace like Yosemite, or the Grand Canyon. I'm going to push myself beyond any limit I have yet reached in life, climb to the highest place I can climb, and it is there, from the peak of a mountain or the depths of a canyon, that I will yell my victory shout!

It is there, that the world will know that I have arrived!

Back on the pre-surgery diet.

2006-08-21T15:29:00.000-07:00

I re-started my liquid diet today in preperation for my Gastric Bypass surgery scheduled in 3 weeks. After finding out about the delay in my surgery, I went off of the liquid diet and ate normally for the week. But, I'm being a good boy and starting back up again so that I'm on it the three weeks that the doctor recomended before my surgery. It is basically just 3 yogurt smoothies a day, with the occasional slim fast shake. I am allowed to have Jello(zero calorie), popcicles(again, zero calorie), and all the no-calorie beverages that I want, such as diet pop or tea or whatever.

I really should go pick up some Jello to try and help the cravings for food. I think it is easier this time around because I've done a bit more mental preperation, but there is no doubt that 3 yogurt smoothies a day leaves a guy hungry! :)

More delays.....

2006-08-15T10:21:00.000-07:00

Hmph.... It is almost becoming cliche for me to say I'm frustrated. The truth is that I'm somewhere between frustrated and pissed off.

I've been sitting here preparing for my Gastric Bypass surgery for over a week now and I get a call that my surgery date needs to be changed. I figure, "okay, no big deal, maybe a couple days in either direction..." Nope. Its being pushed back 2 more weeks. I know it is not the end of the world, but I am so close to the end of my rope right now that 2 weeks on top of the 2 weeks I was allready looking at seems like an eternity.

So, I'm now 4 weeks out for my surgery, which is scheduled for September 11, 2006.

The good news is that my time off has been approved, and when I talked to the coordinator for my short term disability, she was able to just shift my approved time off by 2 weeks.

I'm getting very anxious to start posting some updates that include my weight loss success! :)

Liquid diets suck!!!

2006-08-11T02:48:00.000-07:00

Okay, so, just for the record, this liquid diet SUCKS!!!! I am incredibly hungry. I just had my second "Liquid Meal" of the day, which, for the record was a Wild Berry Yogurt Smoothie.

Don't get me wrong, it was good and all, it just kind of feels like it would have been better to say, I dunno, wash down a sandwich or something! LOL..

Basically what I have been "Prescribed", is a 3 week liquid diet, consisting of 3 "Liquid Meals" per day. Each of these meals is supposed to be 8 oz. of liquid that contain a good ammount of protien and other calories. Examples are a glass of low fat milk, a slim fast shake(pre-made, or the powder which is mixed with milk), a yogurt smoothie(which is definitely going to be my liquid meal of choice), or a few other things. I'll post the actual "diet" sometime later today when I get a chance.

Despite my hunger pains, I'm actually in a pretty good mood. I'm very excited that the surgery is coming up, and it is really starting to set in that in less than 3 weeks, my life is about to change. Wow. I'm so excited about this!

I've been browsing the forum over at: thinnertimesforum.com , and it is awesome to see all of the success that people have had. It gives me a pretty cool sneak peak at what I have in store, good, bad, and in between.

I can't wait to have a success story of my own! Soon enough! :)

The end of a legacy! :)

2006-08-10T00:21:00.000-07:00

Today marks the end of a giant chapter in my life. Today I had my final big meal, and have started the liquid diet that I need to do for 3 weeks prior to my gastric bypass surgery. (I'm actually a couple days late in starting, but I had a couple places I wanted to go and a few excuses to make before I started.)

I went to Khan's Mongolian Barbeque with a friend of mine, and it was a great time! And now, it is time to say goodbye to a lifestyle I have lived most of my life. To be honest, that kind of scares me. Am I prepared to make it happen? Hell yes! But I'd by lying if I said that venturing into this new and unknown territory isn't scary for me.

Like many people with a weight problem, I love to eat. I love everything about eating. I love the social aspect of going out with friends to a restraunt. I love chowing down and going back for seconds. And tonight was the last time I will ever do that in the same way.

Trust me, I know very well that life doesn't end after the gastric bypass surgery. Just the oposite! In fact I went out last night with my friends Martin and Becky for what was supposed to be my "ceremonial last big meal" at the Cheesecake factory. Martin, my best friend since childhood, had the surgery 3 years ago, and has had unbelievable success. Trust me when I say that the irony was not lost on me that I made this big production about my "last meal" while out with a friend who had the exact same surgery as I'm having in less than 3 weeks. There he was, enjoying the same meal, the same social experience, everything the same as me, just in a much smaller portion, yet still equally if not more satisfying for him.

Not only did he enjoy the same experience as I did, but I believe he enjoyed it more! He enjoyed sitting more comfortably in the chairs, he enjoyed not being nearly as uncomfortable in the heat as I was, and he enjoyed a much smaller bill, just to name a few things.. :)

So there it is. I think it is safe to say the evidence is in, and the judge has ruled that life is going to be a whole lot better post-surgery!

I'll post my liquid diet on here tomorrow for all to see, but trust me when I tell you that there is NOTHING pleasant about that part of it all!

Surgery date scheduled..

2006-07-28T14:16:00.000-07:00

Finally, there is a date! my surgery is scheduled for August 28th. I need to start a liquid diet 3 weeks before the surgery, which means I basically have this weekend and next as my "last weekends" of eating as I've known it.

I hate to say it but there is a part of me that is slightly sad about moving beyond that part of my life. Like many overweight people, I've developed somewhat of a relationship with food and eating, its a disfunctional relationship, but still a relationship none the less.

With that said, I'm a million times more happy than sad that my life is about to change!

GAME ON!!!

2006-07-25T14:01:00.000-07:00

In a suprise turn of events, I got a call today from the Bariatric clinic, and they have approved my Gastric Bypass surgery!!!! I'd completely given up on the idea of being able to get the surgery at this point, but checked my voice mail today to hear a message from the surgeon's administrator, telling me that my insurance has sent them an approval! Tomorrow I will be talking with the scheduler to set a date for surgery, and I'll be set!

So it is game on, and I am ECSTATIC to say the least!

All I can say is the approval process has been a rediculous roller coaster ride. I believe it has finally come to a stop, and I can soon proceed with actually living my life! Over the last couple weeks, since it started looking as if I would not be approved for the surgery, I have become increasingly depressed. I tried to find a silver lining to the situation, and embrace the fact that I would now again have to lose the weight on my own without the help of surgery. But looking towards the future, no matter how much I tried to "Psych" myself up, all I could see was the same failure with doing it on my own that I'd seen a million times before.

I'd built up a lot of hope for the future since I decided to get the surgery, about how things were going to be when I was no longer limited by being morbidly obese, and I have to be honest, as much as I tried to keep that "hope for the future" alive and kicking when I thought I would no longer be able to get the surgery, that hope was being trampled on by all the same problems I have always had with diet and exercise. Every time I have tried to exercise, I have hurt myself. Every time I have tried to follow a strict diet, I succumb to temptation. And in the end I'm back where I started.

I'll be honest, when I heard that message today, I almost cried with happiness. As the title of my website implies, this surgery is going to give me a new lease on life, and I intend to make the most of it!

Surgery not likely to be approved for 6 months to a year..

2006-07-14T11:55:00.000-07:00

I got some really bad news from the Bariatric Clinic today, because of a variety of things, it looks like it is going to be at least 6 months to a year before my surgery is approved, if that ever happens.

At this point, I cannot possibly wait 6 months to a year to start losing weight, so I'm going to have to find some way of doing it on my own ... I don't quite know how that is going to work out, I've never been successful long term in the past.... :(

Hrm... I guess time will tell...

Dr. Appointment, letter written, almost there?

2006-07-10T09:22:00.000-07:00

I went to the doctor today and had him write me a letter for the insurance company that we have been meeting since December of 2005, and that it is his belief that I should get the Gastric Bypass surgery. I also needed something that stated that my thyroid is functioning normally. The last time that was tested it was slightly higher of a level than it should have been, so he is going to retest it. Assuming everything comes back okay I will forward that to the insurance company as well when results come in, and hopefully approval for the surgery is right around the corner. I'm crossing my fingers!

Dr. Appointment made..

2006-07-06T13:58:00.000-07:00

I have an appointment made for Monday, July 10 to see if my primary doctor will be able to send the insurance company a detailed account of the diet and exercise that we have been working on since December. I'm crossing my fingers that his perspective will be enough to fulfill the 6-month required medical evaluation before they will approve my Gastric Bypass surgery, if not, it is going to be a very long six more months.

Back from Canada, Eh!

2006-07-04T17:59:00.000-07:00

Hey, I was just aboot to make some Kraft Dinner! Anyone care to join me? :)

I just got back from Canada, and man, was it a blast!!! My buddy Martin and I both went up there to meet some friends we met playing the game World of Warcraft. It was so much fun. We flew into Buffalo, NY on Wednesday night, and drove up to St. Kathrines, Ontario that night. I was fairly suprised, they didn't even check ID at the Canadian border coming in. Asked a few questions and sent us on our way. We got up to their house at about 11pm or so, and basically just hung out and got to know eachother in person.

Thursday night they took us out to the Penthouse Club down in Niagra. Man! All I have to say about that is American strip clubs have NOTHING on Canadian strip clubs! We actually "crashed" a corporate grand opening, invite only event they were holding, and got lucky that the person at the front door let us in when our friend Chris gave them his business card. It turned out the event was for local business owners who'd been invited to come by, and Chris just happened to be a business owner in St. Kathrines(not neccessarily an invited one, but a business owner no less.. :) It was open bar and free appetizers for the first hour we were there, so that was pretty cool. We hung out about an hour past that, and had a great time. Afterwards, we were introduced to what chris explained was the "Great Canadian addiction", Tim Horton's coffee. Lets just say each day after involved Tim Horton's coffee, not to mention the tin of coffee we each brought back with us. :)

The next day we went out to go grocery shopping and the such for a BBQ they were having on Saturday. Lets just say Marty and I held up the reputation for semi-obnoxious americans, making sure to point out everything that was different from the United States. The funniest was when we found a pallet of Kraft Dinner(aka Kraft Mac and Cheese to us in America). We found this absolutly hillarious, quoting Terrance and Phillip from South Park "Hey Terrance, I was just aboot to have some Kraft Dinner, would you like some?" "Phillip, You know I never turn down Kraft Dinner" Our canadian hosts hid from embarassment. It was all in good fun though.

So after the grocery store run we went oout and got some canadian beer, and went back to hang out at the house.

Didn't do a heck of a lot on Friday but hang out, Saturday was the BBQ (and who knew that July 1st was Canada Day??? Damned ignorant americans... hahaha) , for which 10 other people from our "Guild" in World of Warcraft came up to hang out. It was mostly Canadians who lived fairly close, but there were a few others who came up from the U.S. It was a great time, a bit nerdy, as most everyone hooked up their computer and played the game together later in the evening, but still a great time meeting people whom we'd been playing the game with for well over a year.

Sunday we went down to Niagra Falls. WOW! It was absolutly amazing! Quite possibly one of the most amazing natural places I've ever been to. I have to say, when I saw the falls, it really made me think "What kind of crazy bastard would ever go over that in a barrel!" :)

After we left the falls we went back home and just chilled out for the evening. We headed back to Buffalo on Monday to head back home, and stopped at the Anchor Bar in Buffalo. They are the undisputed original inventors of the Buffalo wing. Very good. We got our wings medium, but then decided to get a side of the "Suicidal" hot sauce. WHOO! Very hot, but very tasty as well. We went right to the airport afterwards.

I had a ton of fun on the trip, and met some friends who I am certain will be lifelong friends. It was an experience I will not soon forget.

Talked with the insurance company..

2006-06-28T13:03:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I talked with my case manager at the insurance company today(actually somebody who is filling in for her since she is out of the office today), and what they are telling me is they require 6 months of documented, medically supervised dieting. They also need documentation that my weight condition isn't related to thyroid or other conditions, which will be easy enough to submit.

I have been meeting with my current primary care provider since December of 2005 regarding many things, my weight being one of them. I've visited regularly, weighing in at each visit, etc, so, hopefully that will serve as 6-months+ of medically supervised dieting. The only thing that concerns me is that the visits were not officially structured around my weight. I suppose I will find out soon enough. I'm going to go visit my doctor next week when I get back from my Canada trip.

We'll see. I definitely hope I don't have to wait 6-months to do this. I doubt I will have to, I tend to be pretty forward(and good) about getting my way when I know that I am right.

Anyway, tonight I leave for Canada, Eh! I'm just going to forget about this crap for 5 days and worry about it when I get back after the 4th of July weekend.

Emotional Roller Coaster.. :(

2006-06-27T18:30:00.000-07:00

Ugh. I'm going to be brief because I am still very frustrated and upset about this right now, but I got a call back from the surgeons office today, and they told me that my insurance company is now wanting me to go through a 6-month medical supervised weight loss evaluation. SH*T!

And it is too late tonight to call the surgeon's office, so I'm going to have to call them tomorrow to find out what the hell I need to do now. I am P*SSED! I hope I don't have to wait 6 more months before I get this surgery...

Back for 3 days!

2006-06-25T23:24:00.000-07:00

I'm back from my trip(for 3 whole days anyway). It was a great time. My friend Jessica and I just took off and drove with no real destination in mind past the first night. We stopped in Chicago the first night, and of course went to Gino's East pizza in Rolling Meadow's, IL for lunch. We were going to try to make the King Tut exibit on Monday too but got there a little late, so we decided to just head out on the road and come back on Friday for the Tut exibit.

We drove through Indiana, and made an impromptu stop at Notre Dame University. I hadn't even known that Notre Dame was in Indiana(shows how much I know). It was an AMAZING campus, I was extremely jealous that I hadn't attended a college of this magnitude! It reminded me how growing up, this was what I thought all college campuses were like.. :)

We ended up just outside of Clevelend on Tuesday night. The next day we went to the Rock and Roll hall of fame, which I must say was fairly disappointing. It was way too comercialized, expensive for what you got($20 each) and they didn't allow any pictures. The only thing I really enjoyed were some of the letters or personal effects they had on display from some of the musicians. Unfortunately there were far less of those sorts of things, and quite a few articles of clothing or other items worn or owned by the musicians. The movies they showed were also fairly lame. I'm glad I can say I've been there, but I don't think I'd return.

We headed out to Pittsburgh that night. Got there about 11pm and stayed there the next couple days. Had a good time out there. We went to this sandwich shop called Primanti Brothers that I'd seen on the Food network. They're famous for their style of sandwich, which is similar to a philly cheesesteak sandwich, with french fries and coleslaw on it! Was definitely interesting, and pretty good too. After that we walked around the "Strip District" of Pittsburgh where the original Primanti Brothers is located. I thought it was a pretty cool little area. Kind of an old industrial area turned wholesale shops/entertainment district. There were a few restraunts, some bars and clubs, and a bunch of shops and that sort of thing.

After hanging out around there we went on a boat ride on the "Three Rivers" of pittsburgh, where where the Allegheny River and the Mongahela River come together to form the Ohio River. That was definitely very fun, they talked about all the buildings and architecture, and some history on the city. There were a lot of unique things about the city for sure.(an example is the railroad bridge that at one time allowed for up to 4 trains at once to cross, 2 on the top, 2 on the bottom.) After the boat ride we decided to go see a movie at the Lowe's theater. Wow! What an amazing theater that was. They have an upstairs area that has a bar and restraunt, and you are even allowed to bring a beer into the movie. Inside the movie room itself they had all leather chairs upstairs. Definitely worth the price of a ticket(which was no more than any other movie theater) . We liked it so much we saw 2 movies, Nacho Libre and The Breakup.

The next day(Thursday), we started heading back. We bought tickets to see the King Tut exibit at the Field Museum in Chicago for Friday, which was absolutly awesome.

It was amazing actually seeing these ancient artifacts right up close(behind protective glass of course!) They were in amazing shape really for being THOUSANDS of years old. Well worth the price of admission! After the museum we headed back for home, and got home about 4:00am.

So, I'm home for 3 days, and taking yet another vacation. This time up to Canada with my friend Marty to meet some friends we met in the game World of Warcraft(yeah yeah, its nerdy, but honestly, I'll take any excuse for a vacation! :)

A much needed vacation!

2006-06-17T11:15:00.000-07:00

Ahhhh.... The joy of vacation! I am off of work for the next 9 days! Woo hoo! A good friend of mine is coming up from Nevada, and we are going on a road trip! She get's here tonight, and we are probably leaving sometime tomorrow for Chicago, then, who knows.. :) I'm not exactly sure where we are going, but our rough goal is to get out to Pittsburgh, Pa, maybe further. No particular reason except for the fact I've never been there.

One thing I know for sure is I am going to stop in Chicago at Gino's East for pizza! I know, I know, probably not what I should be eating, but it really is THE best pizza known to man! Whether it is necessary or not, I'm going one "last" time before the Gastric Bypass, just because it seems like the thing to do. hehe. Gino's pizza after all is my favorite food on the planet, I think I deserve to have it with my entire stomach in tact just once more.. :)

I'll try to write about my trip when I get back.

Met with the surgeon, all systems go!

2006-06-16T13:02:00.000-07:00

I met with the surgeon today, which is the final step before submitting for approval to my insurance company for the Gastric Bypass surgery.

I discussed with him some of the fears I had about getting the surgery done Laparoscopicly, which involves making 6 small incisions, instead of the open surgery which is as it sounds, one large opening in the middle of the stomach/abdomen.

I had heard a lot of talk of how the open had far less complications, and how healing was faster with the oeen surgery. My Dr. put a lot of those fears to rest, and explained that a lot of that information is outdated. I brought up the fact that my friend had the open procedure, and was told at the time it was the safer of the two procedures. The surgeons response made a lot of sense. The surgeon who preformed my friends procedure was a pioneer in the field. He'd been doing the surgery almost since its inception, and thus, with him, it is ultimately safer to do the surgery as an open procedure, because he was not trained in the Laparoscopic procedure. He put a lot of my fear at ease by explaining that he has done over 1000 procedures at this point, and that he is well past his "learning curve". That was something that really clicked, after all, Doctor's are just like anyone else in the sense that while they are learning and growing in their career, they make mistakes that seasoned veterans are not apt to make nearly as much. He also addressed the healing aspect of the Laparoscopic procedure, and explained that since the incisions are much smaller, they heal faster and greatly reduce the risk of infection.

I have to say, all of this sound really good.

So, after all was said and done, we finished up by going over any last questions that I might have, and he said they will begin submitting for approval to my insurance, which should be done by some time the week of July 4th. They are fairly confident that with Blue Cross Blue Shield everything should be approved quickly. I'm crossing my fingers they are right! If all goes well I'll be set to schedule the surgery, which I am still hoping to do in mid-August.

Nutritionist approval!

2006-06-14T12:56:00.000-07:00

Sucess! Got the all clear today from the nutritionist. Not that I really expected any differently to be honest, but I was a bit worried I suppose. I was pretty sure before the appointment that I'd gained weight since my last appointment, but it turns out I'd lost 3 pounds. So, that was good to hear! I'm kind of looking at this whole thing now thinking "what the hell was I so worried about?" After all, I have been making efforts to do things the right way and prepare for how things are going to be after my surgery.

It is a little bit ironic though that I have been pushing everyone to rush me through the process so I could get things done on my timetable, and now I'm actually not really looking to have the surgery done until the second week in August. But, I'd rather have it that way so I can have time to prepare and be able to attend one of my best friends weddings sans post opp post opp recovery stuff.

I did however find out today that I will likely not be able to indulge in the usual wedding festivities of eating and drinking, since they are recommending to all patients now to do a liquid diet 2-4 weeks prior to surgery. She said it is mainly because they are trying to do the surgery laproscopically more and more these days, and the liquid diet allows the abdomen to shrink to an acceptable level to do the surgery laproscopically. At least that is what I recall hearing. They said the benefits of doing the surgery laproscopically are a faster healing time, less chance of infection, and of course the fact that the scar isn't as noticable. Right now I'm not very concerned with the cosmetic benefits at all, but I wonder if that won't change at some point in the future. They did also mention that they sometimes start laproscopic, and end up needing to change to the open surgery.. so who knows..

To be honest, the uncertainty in the process is definitely nerve racking. I wish I could know for a fact that I would either get dumping syndrome or not, or be short on vitamin b or not, or the laproscopic surgery or how long the insurance will take to get me approved or most of all if everything will go as planned and without complications from the surgery.

But, such is life, the only thing I am *mostly* certain on is that this surgery is the best decision for me to make in life. And I only say mostly because there is that small part of me that is terrified by this whole idea. Time will tell. If all goes well I'll be reflecting back on now and the past couple years just shaking my head at how silly I've been being so hesitant.

One more day before visit with Nutritionist..

2006-06-11T07:31:00.000-07:00

Well, one more day before I visit the nutritionist again. I've been doing fairly well with my eating habits, avoiding beverages with calories, not snacking in between meals, trying to limit my fried foods and other poor choices. I've also been exercising as much as I have been able to, but I must admit, it hasn't been much, and I still feel this month was a bit of a waste of time. I don't feel it has proven anything about my ability to follow through after the surgery. I know they are just following protocol, but I think that is exactly what has frustrated me about the whole thing to be honest, the fact that they are just doing things the exact same for me as they do anyone else, without really evaluating my own personal progress. I know that is probably not entirely true, but it certainly does feel that way.

So tomorrow morning I will hear back on if I am approved to go onto the next step of meeting with the surgeon and having him send in the paperwork for approval to my insurance company. There is going to be another nerve racking process I'm sure. Hopefully there are no setbacks when it finally comes to getting approval from my insurance company.. (which, hopefully begins friday.... lots of hopefullys.. hrm.. :)

We'll see! Wish me luck tomorrow!

Friends over for dinner..

2006-06-09T22:02:00.000-07:00

I had a bunch of friends over for dinner tonight. It was really a great time. I ordered take out from Buca di Peppo Itallian restraunt. For anyone who hasn't been there, all of their food comes family style. We got a big tray of Spagetti, Chicken Parmesean, Chicken Marsala, Garlic Mashed Potatos, and Garlic Cheese Bread. For dessert, we got a Snickers cake from Byerly's grocery store. It was all delicious and a great time, especially since I'd decided to put this on the night before and was able to round up 10 friends to come over for a dinner party on such short notice!

I think a big reason I decided to do it was because I started thinking about how different things might be after the Gastric Bypass surgery, and I wanted to have one "last" dinner party before my surgery. I guess for me it is a kind of closure to the way I have been living my life up until this point.

My friend Marty, who had the Gastric Bypass surgery himself 3 years ago, tells me I'm being a little rediculous (though he admits he did the same kinds of things before he had his surgery), and that even though life is going to be different, its not going to be "limited" in the ways that I assume. I can accept that, after all, I see him on a daily basis(we're roommates) and the way that this surgery has changed his life. He was, after all, at the dinner party I hosted, and he enjoyed himself just as much as everyone else. That is very helpful to see, it is a good reminder that having WLS is the right choice. I need those reminders, because no matter how much I know it, and I'm ready for the surgery, I'm still a little worried and stressed out about it. (it is a major surgery after all)

Another thing I realized after tonight was that all this importance I have put on food and eating in my life, is really quite silly. The best part of the evening was hanging out with friends, talking and laughing and just enjoying life. The food was secondary. My attitude really has been changing quite a bit, tonight was one of the first nights where it was glaringly obvious. Though there was a ton of food, from one of my favorite places, I didn't even have the urge to over do it and pig out.

I am definitely ready.

Gastric Bypass surgery date being pushed back..

2006-06-05T18:31:00.000-07:00

After all this pushing to get through the process, it doesn't appear I will be getting the Gastric Bypass surgery as soon as I had thought. One of my best friends is getting married at the end of the July, and has asked me to be a groomsman for his wedding. So, it only makes sense that I wait until after that. So I'm thinking I will be having the surgery more like Mid-August now. Not exactly what I would like to do, but what is another month anyway?

I am definitely getting anxious to have the weight loss surgery soon though!

Birthday celebration...

2006-06-03T01:48:00.000-07:00

Went out to celebrate my birthday tonight with some friends, and man was it a blast! We first went out to this place in Minneapolis called "The Lone Tree", where they had open bar from 9:30-10:30 for a $5 cover. Very fun stuff! Hung around there for a few hours and then headed over to this Irish Pub, O'Donovans, in Minneapolis accross from First Avenue(for those not from Minnesota, thats the club where much of Prince's "Purple Rain" was filmed, and is pretty famous in the music world).

Not that I really NEEDED to be in another bar, but it was a ton of fun as well. I can now say I have drank a $25 shot of Whiskey. Yep, you read that right. $25 for a single shot of Middleton Irish Whiskey. It was definitely good. I don't know if I would say $25 good, but then again I'm not much of a whiskey buff so you could have put a glass of Johnny Walker Red Scotch in front of me and I doubt I could really distinguish much of a difference.

All in all it was a really good time. It definitely wasn't a "nutritionist approved" evening, but shh.. don't tell anyone.. :)

Happy Birthday to me! :)

2006-05-31T19:32:00.000-07:00

It's my birthday! Weee! Wow, 28 years old. Only 2 more years of the 20's left... Yikes!

So, another year older, and maybe a bit wiser? Hmm... shouldn't push it!

Finally, some progress!

2006-05-25T14:36:00.000-07:00

Success! I called and left a message with the doctor
in charge of the evaluation process for the gastric
bypass. After playing phone tag a bit, I was finally
able to reach him. My first approach, of just being
done with the nutrition evaluation process and getting
the move on, was promplty shut down. I thought about
it more though, and it makes sense that he needs to be
supportive of his organization and the process, to
maintain the integrity of the program. So, even
though I don't feel I need more nutritional
evaluation, I can deal with it.

My next angle was that I'd go through the nutrition
eval as she had suggested, but we could get a head
start on things by submitting my approval to the
insurance company. He explained that wasn't something
they could do either, because a) the surgeon is the
one who will submit for approval, and won't do that
until he meets with you. Makes sense. also B) the
evaluation process needs to be completely finished
before they submit to insurance. That is more of a
personal hospital policy, but again, it does make
sense to have the most complete and extensive
information before submitting to the "evil" insurance
companies. So, while it frustrated me, I couldn't
argue too much, for fear of actually getting my way,
submitting half assed information, and getting denied
as a result. So, we were about to just call it a day
and go with the process as it was, when I interupted
one last time.. "What about this?" ... the magic words..
the words of a true schemer... (I remember doing this as
a kid endlessly, always trying to find a "middle
ground" on a subject, yet in reality it was trying to
get my way the best that I thought I could. If one
approach failed, try the next, if the next failed,
look at things from another angle, if it became
evident I wouldn't get my way completely, how about
trying for at least part of what I wanted. ") How
about... if I do what I need to be doing to prepare
over the next 3 weeks, and meet with the nutritionist
on my scheduled date.. but instead of waiting until
after that appointment to schedule another appointment, we
schedule one now tentative on me being approved by the
nutritionist. That way I don't have to wait the extra
2 weeks after my nutritionist appointment, and if for
some reason I don't get approved by the nutritionist,
I will still have 3 days to cancel the appointment"

The doctor paused a little, then said "Sure, that
should be fine.. we'll schedule you for Friday, June
16, and if need be we can cancel that appointment"
Woot! finally! Some Reason! I must wonder though,
was it my persistance, and him knowing I just wouldn't
shut up until I got some sort of concession, thus it
was easier to say yes to this than no.. Was he
impressed with my knowlege and dedication to getting
this done as fast as possible? Did he realize that I
am in fact ready to go on this, and what I was saying
makes sense? Who knows, who cares.. He gave me what
I wanted, and for that, I am happy. With this new
development, I am back on track to have the surgery
done mid july, right when I want it! I also get a
break from appointments for 3 weeks, so thank goodness
for that!!:)

Nutritionist appointment-more frustration..

2006-05-23T11:40:00.000-07:00

I am SO frustrated right now! I went back for my
nutritional evaluation. It was basically a one on one
version of the first nutrition class that I went
through. She asked me about the types of foods I have
been eating, and about the types of beverages I have
been drinking. She asked about my snacking habits,
and about my exercise routine.

I proudly told her about how I've allready been
proactive by eliminating snacking, and beverages that
are not low calorie, except for possibly 1 or 2 beers
a week, which I'm absolutly ready to eliminate at any
point. About how I have eliminated evils such as the
Golden Arches from my life. When it came to exercise,
I explained that it wasn't from lack of trying, simply
that every time I do anything physical, I hurt myself,
and that I can't wait to drop some weight so I can get
back into exercising.

We went through the meeting, and as it went on, it
began to feel that she wasn't truely evaluating
anything, but instead, going through the motions of a
class that she has gone through 1000 times before. We
reached the end of the class, and her instructions. I
want to see you go out and excercise 30 minutes a day,
we'll schedule another meeting in a month from now to
measure your progress...

That is another month to delay all of the
administrative garbage that I need to do like getting
approval with my insurance company, or trying to find
time in the surgeon's busy schedule to schedule the
surgery. After diligently preparing for this surgery,
studying it in and out, modifying my habits WAY ahead
of time, I feel I am simply being pushed through the
maze of appointments instead of actually being
evaluated. I explained that I work overnights, I
explained that these appointments are rediculously
hard for me to make, given my schedule and the fact
that I no longer have any sick time left for the year.
I explained that because I have wanted to move
through the process more efficiently, I have put in
more effort than was required, in hopes they could see
my commitment. What I recieved was a response of
"Those things are not my concern..". It was a cold,
chilling response. She listened to my plea's with an
answer allready in mind.

So, fine. I scheduled an appointment 3 weeks out, to
meet again, and give her a report that I could give
her today.

What was MOST frustrating, is when I asked if we could
speed things along in other administrative areas, such
as getting approval from my insurance company, who
certainly does not have my health and best interest in
mind, but simply wants to make sure I am in a
situation that merits them spending the money, she
replied "well, no, because that requires our
evalutations...". What was today? Why the
unwillingness to let me move along efficiently so that
I can protect my financial means of getting the
surgery done, i.e. my job and my health insurance
benefits? Is she really so regimented that she cannot
see outside of the box to try and do something more
efficiently than in the past? Does she love the power
she holds to delay a person in one of the most
important events of their lives? That seems frankly a
bit god like, and I do NOT appreciate it!

First actual appointments

2006-05-22T03:37:00.000-07:00

Sigh... Today was frustrating on many levels. It started off with me waking up 45 minutes late, which is always the key to a successfully frustrating day.

I had both of my first Gastric Bypass pre-approval appointments today, one for the psych evaluation, and one with the nutritionist. The first was scheduled at 8:00am, and waking up at 7:45 didn't give me a lot of hope for making that appointment. I rushed to get up and out the door though, and called on the way and they said I would still be able to make that appointment, after a bit of coaxing that is. She had first said the next appointment wouldn't be until the Middle of June or later, which was very disappointing as I am trying to get this all done as soon as possible.

I got there at about 8:30am, and had to fill out more paperwork(at this point, I'm positive they could write my biography with as much information as I have given them.)

The appointment was, well, for lack of another word, frustrating as well. The first part of the evaluation involved her asking questions from a list of questions, about things like my habits, my family life, and my intentions and hopes behind getting the surgery. All of that went pretty well. Then we got to the evaluation of the test results from the test I took last week (the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory). This is where things got frustrating. I scored "normal" in all of the areas but 2. Those 2 were the physical illness and depression parts of the test. The first one, Physical Illness, she said most people who are getting Gastric Bypass score high in. That one was left pretty well alone. The next was the depression aspect. She expressed a lot of concern in this area. She said that I should meet with my primary doctor about my "depression", after which we will meet again at the psych clinic to evaluate things further.

Now I'm not going to claim to be happy all of the time by any means, but I know exactly why I scored high in that area. There were many true/false questions like "I do not enjoy activities that I once enjoyed anymore" or "I do not have as much energy as I once had", or other similar variations, all which of course could indicate depression, but in my opinion, are open to interpretation. Of course there are activities I don't enjoy anymore, a great example would be skiing. When I'd lost 100lbs on Atkins 7 years ago, I started downhill skiing, and I loved it. Unfortunately I gained the weight back rapidly, and by the next season it was no longer possible. I also used to enjoy biking, going on hikes, camping, and a ton of other activities, all which I don't enjoy anymore for the time being due to the fact I am severely overweight and those activities are hard to do and very uncomfortable. And of course I don't have as much energy as I once had, getting older and 200+ extra pounds tend to have that effect on a person. Does it mean I'm depressed? Sure, I'm unhappy about not being able to do things that I love to do, but the unhappiness comes from not being able to do them, not the other way around. The main reason I no longer get enjoyment from those sorts of things is because of my weight.

I knew what those questions were getting at when I took the test, but I answered truthfully because I felt that during the evaluation of the results by a trained professional, they would try to dig deeper and get to the reason behind the answers. Instead, I felt they just took the test results at face value and tried to go with that. I did explain my point of view, and that I personally am not interested in pursuing my "depression" any further at this time. I am not going through this evaluation to determine my level of depression, I am going through it to deal with my weight problem, and I don't see how any anti-depressant will change anything in this process. Maybe I am wrong, but I'd rather deal with that stuff on my own and get through this process to get surgery so that I can begin losing weight as soon as possible.

Later on in the day I got a call back from the psychologist telling me that her recommendation to the doctors is that I am ready for the surgery, and that I should follow up with my primary doctor, but the process is not going to be held up to wait for those results. I still feel they are outside of their scope, and that my psychological needs should be my own business(After all, I only went for a Psych Evaluation because it is a pre-req of getting the surgery), but I am okay with that result. My main concern at this point is that I get through this process as quickly as possible. I am very tired of being overweight, and anxious to start seeing some results and to start living life.

As for my nutrition appointment, I did end up missing that appointment because it was right after the psych evaluation, which went way over since I was late. The good news is they were able to reschedule that appointment for tomorrow. The bad news is, well, that I have to go back downtown again tomorrow morning. Ah well, slowly but surely I am getting through this. I really hope the Nutritionist gives me the go ahead tomorrow so I can move right along.

Psychiatric evaluation and a parking ticket..

2006-05-09T16:28:00.000-07:00

After work today I went down to Minneapolis to take the psychiatric evaluation test to make sure I'm not too crazy to get the surgery. Lets just say I wasn't crazy when I went in there, but I may very well have been by the time I walked out! The test is the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Minnesota_Multiphasic_Personality_Inventory)

I got there at about 9am after sitting in traffic for what seemed like a lifetime, and three hours/567 questions later, I had completed the exam. They ask all these true or false questions, and some of them are just wacky! By about the 4th time getting to a question that said something along the lines of "I sometimes want to hurt others", I was thinking to myself "yeah, the damn guy that came up with this ridiculous test!"

I'm not going to hold back on this, I think it was the most ridiculous thing ever, and was a complete waste of my damn time! I really wish somebody would have told me ahead of time that it was so long too.

I got done with the test, and was heading out to my car when I realized I only had 2 hours on the meter. Sure enough, there was a parking ticket waiting to greet me when I got out to my car. Hmph... I just have to remember that when I'm all done with all of this, it will all be worth it!

In any case, I did get an appointment scheduled with the psychologist for next Monday. I also called up to make an appointment with the nutritionist, told them I'd got my letter(Wow, was that ever quick! haha), and was able to schedule an appointment right after my psych evaluation. So, things are beginning to take shape.

Attended Gastric Bypass class today.

2006-05-08T15:54:00.000-07:00

I attended the class today for the Gastric Bypass surgery. It was interesting being in a room full of people that are all in the same situation as me. It was a lot like I had anticipated though, I really didn't learn much that I didn't already know. After 2 years of research, I almost felt like I could teach that class. :)

One thing that was actually quite shocking to me though was the success rates that most people who are morbidly obese have when trying to lose weight on their own. The numbers are staggering! On plans like Weight Watchers and Jenny Craig, the average person loses 6% of their excess weight, and usually gains that weight back VERY quickly. With the help of some of the medicines that are available now days, the average person loses 12% of their excess weight, which again, is not very impressive, and they also typically gain the weight back within a relatively short period of time.

Then, you look at Gastric Bypass and Gastric Banding. The success rate is amazing! The average person will lose 40-50% of their excess weight with the Gastric Banding surgery, and 60% of their excess weight with the Gastric Bypass. Now I don't know about you, but that sounds a hell of a lot better than the chances of doing it on my own.

It is really interesting to me, because I beat myself up for years that I have failed at diets over and over and over again. The facts are though, that not only are the odds against me, but they are ridiculously stacked in favor of not succeeding at losing weight without the help of the surgery.

I know these are just statistics. I know that there are some awesome cases where people have lost the weight on their own, and kept it off for years and years. I applaud those people immensely, and there are parts of me that wish I was able to do it that way. But the bottom line is there is no reason to feel as if I failed simply because I couldn't lose the weight on my own. Me and almost EVERYBODY else that ever tried a diet.

After the presentation about the surgery, the nutritionist came in and talked about the kinds of foods that a person who is getting Gastric Bypass will need to be eating and drinking. The main points are that liquid calories are NOT allowed. Period. No regular soda, no juice, no milk, no anything that has more than 10 calories per 8oz serving. Also in nearly the same category is Ice Cream, since it melts on the way down and liquefies nearly as soon as it reaches the stomach. Of course there were the obvious other things like foods high in fat, or high in sugar. It was basically common sense stuff that any other nutritionist would tell you. There was also a fairly long discussion on portions after the surgery. Let me tell you, they are SMALL! But, the beauty of it is that those small portions are enough to make you feel like you've eaten a thanksgiving dinner.

So, now I need to make 2 more appointments, one for a psychological exam, and one for the nutritionist. Seeing as I am not much for waiting, I went up to make the appointments right away.

First I went to the Psychiatric Clinic. They told me at first that there were no appointments until the middle of June. I was not interested in hearing anything like that. In my opinion, this is the kind of administrative crap that I don't think is going to offer me very much benefit. So I pressed her and asked to speak with a supervisor, and she looked a little harder and found one for next week. Perfect! :) But, there's a catch, there is always a catch. I have to come back tomorrow morning RIGHT after work and take this test they use as part of the evaluation. Sigh... so tomorrow is going to be yet another morning down in Minneapolis. Hopefully it doesn't' take terribly long.

Next I went up to make the appointment with the Nutritionist. The told me I need to get the letter in the mail that tells me who to call before I can make an appointment. "Who will they have me call, won't it be you guys?" I asked. "Well yeah, but you need the letter that says that before we can make the appointment..." Ugh! I get so frustrated with process and procedure sometimes. So, I'll just call tomorrow. :)

Paperwork in the mail...

2006-05-04T00:51:00.000-07:00

So, I go out to get the mail today, and low and behold, what is in there but an envelope from the HCMC Bariatric clinic with the paperwork I need for my class. Gee, sure am glad I went down to pick it up so I had it in time for the class on monday. :)

Oh, the joys of red tape.

Paperwork is in hand!

2006-05-02T00:28:00.000-07:00

I went down to HCMC today to get the paperwork that I need to take this class for the Gastric Bypass. One word to describe the experience... OUCH! A bunch more words? F***ING SON OF A B***H PIECE OF SH** MOTHER*#*$^#! Yeah, my ankle hurts pretty bad. I called in sick to work last night because it just hurts way too bad, that and I went to the doctor yesterday and the pain killer he prescribed left me in a state that wasn't quite suited for work. This sucks, because I know I have been pushing it at work. I've been out sick a lot this year, and I'm pretty sure I'm close to out of sick days.

In any case, that was quite possibly one of the most excruciating couple blocks I've ever walked. The doctor confirmed that it is indeed sprained, and suggested I stay the heck off of it. Well, I'm going to listen to him for the rest of the day, but it seemed important for me to get down there to get the paperwork.

The funny thing is, I've filled this paperwork out before. I had appointments to do this class a year ago, and had all the paperwork filled out and ready to go. The day came for my class, and I found some way to make sure I didn't get there in time. To be honest though, I wasn't ready for the surgery. I wasn't ready to make a commitment to the lifestyle changes that are necessary to do this surgery, and quite frankly I was still being stubborn and convinced I could do this on my own.

The thing is, I've lost weight before, and a lot of it one particular time when I was about 21 years old. I did the Atkins diet and dropped 100 lbs. It was one of the best times of my life. I was about 50 lbs away from my ideal weight, and it felt AWESOME! Then, I stopped the diet, and almost as quickly as the weight came off, it came right back on, and, as the story usually goes, I ended up about 20 lbs heavier than when I started the diet in the first place. It crushed me, and for years I chased that weight loss. I have probably tried at least one diet every month for the past 6 years, but I've never lost more than 20 or 30 lbs doing it. I gave up on Atkins about a year ago and started doing the more conventional diets, but they haven't worked either. It has been frustrating to say the least, but I know that I am ready to get weight loss surgery (WLS) now, more than I've ever been ready for anything.

As for the paperwork, basically, they want to know about your past, your medical history, and your motivations for getting the surgery. They ask you to describe the diets you have tried, significant events in your life, and so on. They also ask about your current eating habits, making sure that you are a good candidate for the surgery.

In any case, I am now scheduled for the class on next monday. I'm definitely excited to get things started!

Made appointment for the class

2006-05-01T10:11:00.000-07:00

I took the first step in the process today and made the appointment to attend the Gastric Bypass class at HCMC Hospital in Minneapolis. I am signed up for the May 15th class, but was told that if I come down and pick up the paperwork that needs to be filled out, I can attend next Monday's class. I think that I will go down to pick up the paperwork tomorrow, as much of a pain in the butt as it is.

It's funny, it took me 2 years to come to this decision to get Weight Loss Surgery, and now that I've made it, I want the surgery done as soon as possible. I guess I just feel that I have wasted enough time in life, and I don't want to waste any more.

From what I know, the class will include an overview of the Gastric Bypass surgery, followed by a presentation from their nutritionist explaining what kind of eating habits are required after the surgery.

I have a feeling that most of this information will be old news to me. The thing is, my best friend since childhood, Martin, had this surgery done 3 years ago. He started off at 530 lbs, and has lost 300 lbs since his surgery. He's 6'6", so 230 lbs is pretty darn close to his ideal weight. Between all of the information he has given me, and all the research I have done on my own in the last 2 years, I am pretty well informed about the surgery and what to expect. We'll see, the thing I am most interested to find out is how quickly I can get through the process and get a date for surgery! :)

Sprained ankle..

2006-04-30T19:15:00.000-07:00

I sprained my ankle last night. Of all the ways I could have done it, it happened while getting out of the car. Yes, you heard me right. Simply performing an act that I do many times per day, I sprained my ankle. It certainly seems a tad bit ironic that this would happen after making such a big decision to get the Gastric Bypass surgery. I have to wonder at least a little bit if it isn't a bit of a sign, or a motivator of sorts.

I've always been a procrastinator. It is just something that is inherently part of my personality. I've tried to change that, but usually without much success at times. Now granted, I do complete tasks eventually, but it is usually at the last minute, or only when it has come down to a make it or break it situation.

I'd like to think that with my decision to get the gastric bypass surgery, I am being fairly proactive, after all, aside from the weight itself, my health is actually pretty decent. At my last physical I was told that my blood sugar, cholesterol, thyroid and blood pressure are all normal. I seriously doubt those things will stay that way if I don't lose weight very soon. I think spraining my ankle is just one more sign that enough is enough, and it is time to make changes and start living my life differently.

I'm planning to make the appointment for the initial class for the Gastric Bypass tomorrow morning after work. (I work overnights, so after work=8:00am)

Gastric Bypass-One of the biggest decisions I've ever made.

2006-04-28T15:17:00.000-07:00

I made a huge decision in my life recently. I have decided I am going to get the Gastric Bypass surgery. After living my entire life being overweight and unhealthy, it has come to a point where something NEEDS to change! I have a world full of ambitions and hopes and dreams, and I'll never accomplish them if I don't change the way I live life, thus, the Weight Loss Surgery (WLS).

Its a huge decision, but a ton of thought has gone into it. Literally for the last 2 years I have been thinking about this. I've been trying to lose the weight the "natural" way, and for many, many reasons, almost all of them because of bad personal choices in my daily life, I have not succeeded. I've come to a point where I recognize that life doesn't NEED to be this way, that there are alternatives, such as medicine, the Gastric Banding surgery and the Gastric Bypass surgery, Gastric Bypass being the best option for me.

I hesitated for the last 2 years, because I didn't want to take an "easy" or "lazy" way out, but what I have come to realize is that for me, this is the hardest decision I could ever make. I'm giving up personal choice in a big part of my life. After the surgery, even if I wanted to enjoy a big meal, or drink a bunch of beer, its not going to be an option. For me, giving up personal choices in life, or putting my fate into somebody else's hands, are a very hard things to do. Having a major surgery isn't going to be any picnic either, but I believe that the risks of doing nothing FAR exceed the risks of having the surgery. And lets not forget, its going to take a lot of work after the surgery to remain successful..

I heard a quote one time that has stuck with me, and I've probably even posted it before, but it definitely rings true here. "If you don't take risks, you'll have a wasted soul." - Drew Barrymore. That quote sums up how I feel about life perfectly!!

I'm both excited and frightened at the same time, but I hope everyone who knows me will support me in my decision!