What happened to the 350s?? I never got to say goodbye!!
I hadn't weighed myself in over 3 weeks now, and finally got around to it yesterday.
To my shock, the evil, evil 350 came and went without me ever getting the chance to wave it farewell. To be honest though, the 350's are damn lucky, because I might have been less than pleasant with my choice of words! Something along the lines of "GET THE F*&% OUT, AND IF I EVER SEE YOUR F*#&(^% FACE AGAIN ...", very unpleasant indeed...
See, the thing is, the 350's and I have a long, storied history. We first met in the summer of 1994. I was 16 years old, and had to get my yearly physical for my yearly trip to scout camp. I will never, ever, forget that first meeting. I stepped on the scale at the doctor's office, one of those manual scales where you agonizingly slide the little tab, millimeter by millimeter, pound by pound, until the damn thing dips down.
The year before I was around 330 or so, they started there.. slide a little, 330's, no dip, slide a little more, 340's, no dip.. keep sliding, no dip... uh oh, almost out of scale, it better dip soon.........huh... guess the scale must be broken today, because we have reached the end and it isn't dipping, quite odd indeed... "Better get that scale guy in because the thing is OBVIOUSLY broken." Unfortunately, scale guy was there just yesterday, and no, the scale is not broken, I had reached"Greater-Than-land".
Now "Greater-Than-Land" sounds like a real swell place, with water slides and roller coasters and dancing girls and all the hot fudge sundae's and onion rings you can eat. Unfortunately only the last part of that was true, and they lined the path all the way to the gates and beyond.
For those that have never experienced this, it may quite possibly be one of the most mortifying and embarrassing experiences ever to see the doctor fill in your weight with a greater than symbol for the first time. (Seriously, my physical said 'Weight: >350' ) I will never forget that day.
Well, me and the 350's did battle for a while after this, I'd beat it, it would fight it's way back, eventually I lost the battle and the 350's secured their place behind the even stronger and more stubborn 360's, 370's, andThe evil, wretched 380's.
It wasn't until early 1999 that 350 and I did battle once again. This time I came with a friend, Dr. Atkins! With his gang of hooligans all knocked out one by one, I landed a devastating blow on 350 and went on to beat down another 80 of his teammates, including 320 the fierce, 300 the dreaded, right up to my arch nemesis, 270, who stared me in the eye and dared me to challenge him.
Unfortunately for me, Dr. Atkins put his tail between his legs and went running and screaming like the coward he was. I yelled for him to come back, but he just kept on running. He'd never taught me to fight my own nutritional battles, and yelled at the top of his lungs that "exercise is for pussies", and there I was, left at the mercy of all I had beaten before. Within months the angry mobs had knocked me back into oblivion, this time 380-395 joined the battle, later, their friends 395-430 came in and walloped me as well.
But wait! Along comes a secret weapon, the Gastric Bypass surgery, and 7 years later, 350, there can only be ONE!!! (queue Queen's Highlander Theme: Here we are... we're the princes of the universe........)
This weeks weight: 346!!!
To my shock, the evil, evil 350 came and went without me ever getting the chance to wave it farewell. To be honest though, the 350's are damn lucky, because I might have been less than pleasant with my choice of words! Something along the lines of "GET THE F*&% OUT, AND IF I EVER SEE YOUR F*#&(^% FACE AGAIN ...", very unpleasant indeed...
See, the thing is, the 350's and I have a long, storied history. We first met in the summer of 1994. I was 16 years old, and had to get my yearly physical for my yearly trip to scout camp. I will never, ever, forget that first meeting. I stepped on the scale at the doctor's office, one of those manual scales where you agonizingly slide the little tab, millimeter by millimeter, pound by pound, until the damn thing dips down.
The year before I was around 330 or so, they started there.. slide a little, 330's, no dip, slide a little more, 340's, no dip.. keep sliding, no dip... uh oh, almost out of scale, it better dip soon.........huh... guess the scale must be broken today, because we have reached the end and it isn't dipping, quite odd indeed... "Better get that scale guy in because the thing is OBVIOUSLY broken." Unfortunately, scale guy was there just yesterday, and no, the scale is not broken, I had reached
Now "Greater-Than-Land" sounds like a real swell place, with water slides and roller coasters and dancing girls and all the hot fudge sundae's and onion rings you can eat. Unfortunately only the last part of that was true, and they lined the path all the way to the gates and beyond.
For those that have never experienced this, it may quite possibly be one of the most mortifying and embarrassing experiences ever to see the doctor fill in your weight with a greater than symbol for the first time. (Seriously, my physical said 'Weight: >350' ) I will never forget that day.
Well, me and the 350's did battle for a while after this, I'd beat it, it would fight it's way back, eventually I lost the battle and the 350's secured their place behind the even stronger and more stubborn 360's, 370's, and
It wasn't until early 1999 that 350 and I did battle once again. This time I came with a friend, Dr. Atkins! With his gang of hooligans all knocked out one by one, I landed a devastating blow on 350 and went on to beat down another 80 of his teammates, including 320 the fierce, 300 the dreaded, right up to my arch nemesis, 270, who stared me in the eye and dared me to challenge him.
Unfortunately for me, Dr. Atkins put his tail between his legs and went running and screaming like the coward he was. I yelled for him to come back, but he just kept on running. He'd never taught me to fight my own nutritional battles, and yelled at the top of his lungs that "exercise is for pussies", and there I was, left at the mercy of all I had beaten before. Within months the angry mobs had knocked me back into oblivion, this time 380-395 joined the battle, later, their friends 395-430 came in and walloped me as well.
But wait! Along comes a secret weapon, the Gastric Bypass surgery, and 7 years later, 350, there can only be ONE!!! (queue Queen's Highlander Theme: Here we are... we're the princes of the universe........)
This weeks weight: 346!!!
posted by Josh at
2:53 AM
3 Comments:
ok, that was awesome. not nearly as awesome as my abs blogging, but very close!
wotd: pobrh
That was the best thing you've written all year. Congrats. I think it beat the oscar meyer story even. Maybe. :D
Thanks!!! I gotta admit, it felt good to write something I was proud of again, it's been a while since I wrote anything besides generic garbage. I've been feeling incredibly creative lately! :)
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